All healthy relationships have one thing in common. They are filled with grace. One definition at Merriam-Webster.com defines grace as "disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency." As imperfect humans, we all have moments where a friend or loved one's act of grace helps us recover, learn, and grow.
When my husband and I first got married, we had plenty of opportunities to show each other grace. We both messed up as we were learning how to become a united front. One thing I learned about grace is that we can offer it to another person, even when feeling hurt by their words or behaviors. After over two decades of marriage, my husband and I have grown individually and as a couple. The areas where we once had to offer grace are no longer necessary because the unhealthy behaviors have stopped, but we still have moments when grace is needed. As couples, parents, employees, and friends, each day provides new opportunities to learn and grow. If we are serious about changing for the better, grace helps motivate us to press forward in our growth.
What does grace look like? Grace allows for the other person to sit with their unpleasant, negative emotions. For example, if my husband or I feel angry about one of our children's behaviors, we allow the other to vent in a safe space away from witnesses. We allow the other person to process out loud and say whatever they are thinking. We become a safe audience for the other, knowing that as they speak their thoughts and feelings out loud, they feel heard and understood, which helps them to let go of the frustration and move towards a response that will help our child learn from their mistake. In this case, grace is an act of kindness.
Grace also, at times, places the other person's needs above our own. In relationships, we will have opportunities for compromise, especially when two people's wants or needs contradict the other's. I recently watched a video about a dad who woke up early to take care of his three children while his wife caught up on sleep because she remained on-call for their infant throughout the night. He didn't just leave the baby in a swing while he caught a quick nap on the couch. Instead, he wrapped the baby in a carrier and while attached to him, he helped his other two children get ready for school by dressing them, brushing their teeth and hair, and making breakfast for the entire family. He did this to give his wife time to recover and rest. This type of grace is an act of courtesy.
Grace also extends forgiveness when the other person has hurt us. As humans, we all make mistakes. We might say something out of haste, requiring us to apologize later, or in our own blindness, we may behave in a dysfunctional way. Offering clemency is an act of grace because rather than resorting to retaliation or punishment when someone we love misbehaves, we give them a chance to repair the rupture in the relationship. Romans 15:1-2 says, "We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up." (New International Version) Through grace, we can help others grow into their fullest potential - the person God created them to be.
While these three ways of showing grace foster healthy relationships, I want to be clear on what grace is NOT. Grace does not enable abusive behavior and dysfunction, and the Bible instructs us to address problems when they arise with others (Matthew 18:15, Galatians 6:1). We do not have to continuously tolerate bad behaviors in the name of grace. You do not owe people unconditional access to your heart when their behaviors are not honoring or protective. Grace can forgive without allowing someone to keep hurting.
We can also extend grace to ourselves. While I might compromise at times to meet my husband's wants or needs, being graceful does not require me to compromise to the point that I am sacrificing my well-being. Sometimes we need to say no so that we can continue to be the best versions of ourselves. It is absolutely, 100% okay to have limits! In Mark 6:30-32, we see how Jesus encouraged his disciples to take time away from caring for others to take care of their own needs. When we do this, we can return to caring for others and be more effective in doing so.
Grace, when implemented properly, strengthens individuals and relationships. We all need grace, and we all need to offer grace. Through the giving and receiving of grace, we produce healthier outcomes, resulting in joy, peace, and a truer, more authentic love.
What about you? Can you think of a time when you gave or received grace? How did it impact your relationship? I would love to hear from you!
Comments